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Excerpts from I Hope Your Turkey Burns!

Symptoms

(page 3)

SymptomsSo what gave you the idea your romantic partnership might not be working? The telltale signs of a failing relationship come in many disguises. I remember dreaming snakes were slithering out from under my bed. I've always been extremely dramatic. I was so petrified to step a foot off my bed at night that I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom. Of course, my dreams were fairly accurate. Instead of snakes being under the bed, the snake was right beside me.

Legal Nonsense

(page 51)

It takes a master's degree in foreign languages to decipher the legal nonsense that becomes your birth certificate when divorce is imminent, but it will be necessary for you to understand the important agreements of your settlement. The words, which comprise most of the documentation, are nothing but fillers (designed, I believe, to allow the legal corporation to charge for each word).

Arbitrator

MidasI bring this issue up again because the legal industry is an expensive endeavor. While fighting a credit issue, I was informed by a credit attorney that, although my divorce documentation indicated I was not responsible for a particular bill, the divorce decree was merely a decree of divorce. In other words, it wasn't worth the price of my negotiations. All the divorce decree gave me was a document stating I was no longer married. This document would allow me to revert to my maiden name if I chose to return to a single status, or marry someone different of my choosing. Hire an arbitrator.